a student again

Back to school!

Starting from this week I go to school every Friday to study history plays of the English Renaissance. This is a way to stimulate myself and get some ideas for my own small scaled research projects. Also I think this will help improving my English reading skills for academic purposes too.

June '07 (Diary 7)

Status: I'm finding it strikingly odd to have to sum up in three hundred words three years and nine months of my life. Status: I'm sad that Tony is gone but I'm still here writing the thesis. I disappointed myself here. Late late late. But. Status: I'm going to meet the deadline for almost like the first time in my whole life. I'm such a last minute person, yes. People, do not be like me. Status: I'm happy. Not that I'm happy with my thesis, nor am I happy that this is done, but I'm just happy. Maybe I am not. But who cares! Now, back to the thesis... 24 hours to go...

June '07 (diary 6)

I'm feeling a bit bad, not doing very well with things... physical body is unwell... and sadness, vexedly... with all the help i've been given, it could have been so much better than this pile I see before me... too late... What have i learned this time? What have i done this time? I must to bed...

June '07 (diary 5)

Ending in its various forms are often romanticised. Perceptions of it are so twisted that often I am just buried in my gush. Sick at heart. To drag myself back to the real world, I tried to count the days in my diary. I called the bookbinder this afternoon. The man said it would take 6 hours for three copies. Putting the phone down I felt weird. Quite weird. But then of course plans for later already have kicked off...

June '07 (日記 4)

自然表現出風采與熱情，對你來說重要嗎？大致上在學術圈這些是不被重視的吧？一來因為這些感情上的性質很難評鑑高下，二來或許進入學術界前已經默許了激烈競爭的遊戲規則，而所謂比賽往往依賴量化評鑑。但寫著寫著，我竟開始更相信這層感性 (熱情) 因為不被每個人重視，反而突顯它的罕見。假設在學術界，每人都把熱情表現在培養專業素養，且同時擁有人品特質，例如：誠實，謙虛，專心，那麼這顯然是一群值得被尊敬的人，因為顧及了蠻多細緻要素。然而，是否往往這些人為此也戴上面具：因為過度謙虛而冷漠？專心過頭顯出自私？講究完全誠實導致溝通障礙？我在想，這類代價真的值得嗎？當然那些都是我假設的問句，我想說的是，能在所謂學術界的隱形框架裡兼顧專業素養且自由表現熱情應該不太容易，我很幸運遇過這樣的人，也才明白這只能是個 '理想' 的原因。

June '07 (diary 3)

Ah! I wish I could control myself. I told myself to calm down, but an inner power was driving me nuts. Fidgeting, fidgeting! Did something unnecessary, never mind! but patience level went low - I got vexed. Ah, complicated! At a time like this, I was still such a perfectionist. I reviewed what I wrote and got pretty disappointed. :( Quickly I had to just get rid of the disappointment then marching on. When I was not writing, I made the best out of friendliness, company, sympathy, wonders of the everyday.

June '07 (diary 2)

I am never systematic in doing anything, and I am never ever objective. Intuitive is a better adjective to describe me. Is it surprising that I never enjoyed working as an editor? Having said that, the past couple of days were mostly spent editing my work and it wasn't dull at all. Well, having to do this job very quickly was depressing. Repression was called for. I killed a lot of arguments and buried many thoughts. Yet it's time I learn to be realistic. Need to be sharp. No space for even anxiety. Sounds good actually?

June '07 (diary 1)

June. So soon! My clock got stuck in mid March, at times I still feel the illusion that it's months to go before my deadline. Engrossment surprises me. I can invest days in one thread of argument, then realise I take in little coffee/tea/coke/redbull or even food - Sorry I lied. I need them, but the real hook is the writing. My body is tired but my brain wants to keep going. Waves of ideas. I'm sailing on a sea and an immense ocean exists in my head.

Gloomy? No!

I got all encouraged again after the tutorial. Although there's still a lot to do, at least I know nothing is in the way to stop my submission of thesis this June. Besides, I'm going on the right direction, and I've said meaningful things! I've made it doable! Some of my designs have been accepted, and my effort was not in vain. I could make it visible for others to see significance of some issues. It feels great. As if I hit the right cymbal for the right moment!

Two things happened this morning to bring in even more delights. One was that, with some really crucial help, I was told I might actually be able to go ahead with my plan to help out with an artist's gigs in the UK and Europe. My master plan... The other thing is that, me and a previous tutor of mine (back in 1993!!!) are in touch again!! And he remembers me!! Oh that summer!

an assertion

It's not an assertion!
Let me rephrase it,
then you'll see,
that I can make it seem valid
It's not an assertion!

some sort of queasiness and its result?
(still not feeling the necessary disinterest)
and still freely allowing myself feeling the passion (what is there to hold on to?) sheding tears (sympathy for certain imagined 'lack') waiting for my muse (she is currently with me) arguing what i believe (balancing between ideal and reality)


i resist erasure of my character but i want to humbly learn to fit in

THINKING LOUDLY

I came across a new book which deals with the act of reading, and discusses writing as a medium for learning.

A medium for learning. Enticing!

I see that its theme resembles this:

input = listening (reading),
output = speaking (writing).

One talks about (writes down) concepts yet to be formed, inputting information by listening to them while speaking (reading them again while writing) and can later shape/correct/argue them. It's a process for concepts to form/develop in the mind, then enter short-term memory, and to, if necessary, get internalised by the learner.

So, the four skills are tools for one's mind.

Thinking silently is monodrama.
Thinking loudly via writing (blogging included) is a hope to outreach the monodrama.

'Keine Bange!'

As I write on, whether the stimulus is an outer force--from overdoses of caffeine, or innerly original--from fast-speed processing threads of arguments in my head, I cannot tell any more. But I know it feels great putting words together as if I were knitting a special scarf of thoughts, or squatting down on an open space, patches of patterns being connected into a complete little quilt of meanings.

Constant fear exists, though; I am honestly worried that the fact that 'I'm not well read' and 'I did not try all I could' will be uncovered through the writing I am working so hard on. I see that clearly (so very sickening clearly) as I write, write, write on. Suppose they do not need to be mentioned? Time's up, no chance to mend what's done, and what's done cannot be undone, says Macbeth.

No point thinking my head off on this, you will say.

evidence and conclusion, chicken and egg

Contrasting English specialists against those from science subjects, Jonathan Bate (2006) writes:

' As in science, every proposition you make is falsifiable. It is possible to be proved wrong: that is a real intellectual adventure. As critics and theorists, especially when we are led by our own ideological predispositions, we all too often seek to make the evidence lead us to the conclusion we hope for--in some cases, the conclusion we have reached before we even began investigating the question. Surprise, surprise: the canonical text reinscribes the ideology of patricarchy, imperialism, heteropreferentiality (delete as appropriate).

Isn't this slightly (and scarily) similar to what Lenny in 'Memento' does to himself? Only that Lenny's action to create a false evidence was apparently intentional; wait, whose actions aren't intentional? And we thought Lenny was a monster, or we thought 'he was after all only human'?


I might be totally wrong to even make the comparison, but I do this a lot. Corrections welcome.